I am blessed with three wonderful children. The oldest two are now over twenty, and my youngest is 7 months old. As an older father, I’ve experienced a sense of déja vu and even surprise when I can do something really well on the first attempt, such as swaddling or changing a diaper, even though I had totally forgotten that I knew how to do it.
But one thing I still absolutely can’t understand, twenty years later, is baby fashion. Seriously, who makes all these ugly baby clothes?
My wife sent me clothes shopping the other day, and it was a tough mission.
In my view, most baby clothes are plain ugly. They feature staggering color combinations that make disco lights look dull. From baby-shirts to pants, blouses to bibs, everything is plastered with weird looking creatures. A dreadful pink bear with a scary smile, an oversized violet dog with a square snout and brown stripes, a red elephant with blue polka dots and a yellow palm tree. How would YOU like to wear this to anything other than a Halloween party?
It gets worse when it comes to gender management. Store shelves, and most salespeople, dictate two iron rules for infants: 1: Girls are condemned to wear pink in all its forms and variations: light pink, dark pink, pink with pink dots, pink with light pink stripes, pink with pink animals and lots of pink bows. And if you have a boy, of course, there is the inevitable, inescapable blue. Blue pants with dark blue ladders, blue with blue little cars, light blue shirts with very light blue hippos…
My daughter has piercing blue eyes, and we love to dress her in matching blue (if we can find anything without a printed tractor, a car, or a sailboat, which is tough). Of course, every person we meet in the street or in the park admires our “cute little boy”.
And I can’t understand baby clothes sizes! In the US, baby clothes are indicated with “NB – 3 months”, “3-6 months”, or “12-18 months” etc. This sizing can only make sense to people who don’t have children. I wonder who came up with this bizarre matrix that ignores the fact there are small babies, big babies, thin babies, and plump babies – and all of them may be of the same age.
My daughter fits nicely into baby suits for 18-month olds, a sleeping bag for newborns, and pants for 4 month old babies — all at the same time. I don’t know what to buy! Do I have to bring my baby into the shop to try everything out? Adult clothes aren’t sized by age… Why can’t we have real baby sizes?
Let’s address the actual design of those clothes and their functionality. In my view, three things are essential to a great design for babywear:
(1) It must be easy to put on (even for Dads) without hearing squeals of discontent from your little one;
(2) It must be easy to remove (especially for Dads), and especially under the following use case: baby just spat up a small sea of milk on you, herself, and innocent bystanders; and
(3) It must be easy to open on the bottom in order to change diapers whenever and wherever that task must occur.
Sounds straightforward, right? Nope… Small sweaters with tiny openings for her head, requiring an experienced pair of hands to pull through her unwilling, wiggling baby head; Tiny buttons that need to be opened and closed each time you attempt to dress your child (do that when she is crying, hungry, or with a colic, and you will understand what I mean). And there are those heavily adorned suits with cool pockets, zippers, and other bells and whistles, but no buttons on the bottom. Which means you have to take off the entire suit just to change a diaper.
And there’s plenty of fancy, tight pants with an even tighter waistband that don’t allow for important things like breathing, and that’s without a diaper (did I mention these tights pants are for a baby?).
The 2-piece outfits with a bright-colored shirt and matching pants crown my “pointless” list. Babies move constantly, and the shirt always gets pulled up around their neck, leaving them with bare bellies – unless you also dress them in a body suit. But if your baby isn’t eating yet with a fork and knife, and if your baby has a habit of spitting up, you will spend most of your day with her on the changing table.
And those “cute” little nightgowns and dresses that her flying legs kick up and over her waist as soon as you put them on, they leave three-thirds of her body naked.
I ask again, who designs this ugly and impractical baby clothes? We didn’t have the Web when I first became a father. I am hopeful that help is on the way! I can’t wait until I can have my own 3D printer to design and print my own baby clothes at home, maybe a designer will see that there is a bigger 3-D clothing market for babies than for Victoria’s Secret models.